Holy Crap

Holy crap you guys. That’s all I can really say! How positively AMAZING things have been for me lately…it’s just unbelievable. I have a hard time thinking that this is all just a coincidence…that this is all happening randomly directly after I changed my lifestyle and way of thinking about the world. I have never felt more in touch, in tune, and at peace with myself, God, and the universe than I am right now. Everything has just been so wonderful…my job, my friends, my family, even DATING. I never thought I would say that! I met this absolutely fantastic guy…I haven’t been this happy dating/seeing someone in YEARS. Actually, I would go as far to say that other than my first love, this is the only person who has made me feel this way from the start. It’s kind of scary to me. But it feels so perfect. I just kind of want to cry right now because my heart is filled with an overflowing amount of gratefulness and joy. God is so amazing. I really can’t even put into words how I feel and everything I want to say. Just know that everything is right. And just know that once you stop searching, you will find your peace.

Because of all of these revelations and new found outlooks on life, I thought now more than ever was the perfect time to get the tattoo I’ve been wanting. The lotus has always had a significant meaning for me. But now, it symbolizes my healing–a sort of rebirth–growing out of the muddy waters to emerge as beautiful. I am so completely content with my life. Not only that, I know that I will still remain content even in times of trouble, because I know that no matter what, I will emerge on the other side as a stronger, wiser, and more grounded human being.

 

 

Making Differences

Can’t really think of a good title for this post. However, I have done well in making changes regarding the way I think, which is, more positively! I’ve been keeping up with this lifestyle still since my last post and I’ve been so happy! Of course, we all have our down days…however, mine have been few and far between since I made the radical change in my way of thinking and outlook on life. My roommate and I found a cute new apartment to move in to that’s decently priced, and I picked up a new hobby: taking polaroid pictures! I bought an FujiFilm Instax Mini 8 on Amazon (Here’s the link)! Also, I’ve noticed progress in my kiddos at work after I started using new interventions! It’s the little things! I feel as if I’m making a difference. Hm. Maybe that will be my title. Making Differences. Not only in the lives of others, but also in my own. Also, here’s a silly picture of me drinking a spiked pink lemonade before I saw Ellie Goulding (one of my favs–yet another awesome thing that’s happened to me!!) at Stage AE!

Updates

I have still been going strong since my last post! I’ve had a few moments of weakness here and there but overall, there is a definite increase in my happiness, energy, and overall mood. I’ve been preaching to myself that once I love me, so will other people. Like I said before, I used to tell myself this but never really believed it. However, after my last post, I have become exceedingly more positive! What your put out in this universe is what you will receive. Since my last post, I’ve gotten a call for an assistantship, and got asked out on 2 dates. I truly believe it’s because I’ve been thinking more positively! Law of attraction…gotta love it.

Oh also…I cut my hair!

 

 

 

3 Weeks

I’ve thought about writing a post dozens of times in the past month and a half, but the real question is…did I have the desire?

Absolutely not.

I often present myself as this carefree, happy-go-lucky gal, however that is not the case.

Sometimes my thoughts–everything I want to write down–become exceedingly burdening, so I chose to hide them away for a little. Hide them from my friends, my family, and even myself. However, I’m ready to talk about them now.

It’s ironic, really, because my past couple posts were so positive and uplifting. But I realize I was only trying to convince myself that I was okay, when in reality, shit was going downhill at an accelerated speed.

I have never been suicidal. When I was a teenager, I recall having momentary thoughts about ending my life. But that was the most they had ever become. Just thoughts, floating around in my head.

However, a few weeks ago, my thoughts began turning into actual urges. I was thinking up methods, weighing the pros and cons…when I decided to take a positive step out of the darkness and contact a good friend and mentor of mine, Deanna.

Deanna is my coach and mentor for my essential oil business. Deanna has also proven herself to be an angel. I met with Deanna at a restaurant the day after I had been having urges. We talked about the oil business for a bit but then quickly delved into more deeper conversation. I never told her about the sudden compulsions I had been having to end my life, but I think she saw it clear that I was having difficulties. I mentioned the sadness I felt from not having any close friends, not having a boyfriend (stupid I know), from my parents divorcing, and also the sadness I felt when I looked in the mirror. I think she was able to gather up my pieces that I had brought forward and put the puzzle together, because she said the words that I have been saying over and over again to myself, but did not fully grasp until this moment:

“You gotta love yourself before anyone else loves you.”

Why hadn’t I just took this sentence and ran with it so many times before? I’ve heard it from dozens of people. I even told it to myself. So why now was I realizing its verity? I wish I knew. Maybe it took 23 years of my life for those neurons to finally fire. Either way, I ran with it that day.

So far I’ve been 3 weeks binge-eating free. So far I’ve been three weeks black-out drunk free. So far I’ve hung out with more people in 3 weeks than I had in a really long time. So far I’ve met people and haven’t felt like I needed to put on a show.

So far I’ve been 3 weeks suicidal-thoughts free.

This is the longest I’ve gone where all of the above statements remain consistently true. I want this to become a lifestyle, not just a positive-thinking phase. I’m tired of getting sucked back into the perpetual cycles that have been plaguing my life for so long–my binge eating+drinking cycle, my self loathing/then loving myself cycle, my “I’m independent”/”I need somebody” cycle. I need to stay out of this trap.

Please send your thoughts, prayers, and good vibes. I can do this.

Becoming Your Own Best Friend

I don’t have many good friends any more. Many of the people I thought were good friends moved away and slowly stopped contacting me/responding to my texts. Many of the people who are my good friends don’t live near me. So I’m pretty much by myself here in lonely old Indiana. I remember 3 years ago, there were always people over at my apartment. I had multiple people texting me every night wanting to hang out. I haven’t gotten a text from a girlfriend in months. It’s sad how time changes things. Your friends graduate, move away, and start a new life, meanwhile, you’re stuck in one place. That’s how I feel.

However, I have become exceedingly close with someone. That someone is me. I talk to myself. I laugh at myself. I feel like I have a friend. I know it sounds silly. But I am my own best friend. We have fun together. If I were not myself, I’d totally be friends with me. Hahahah.

This period of friendless-ness has also helped me grow more social. Now that I don’t have many friends, I go places a lot more by myself in hopes of meeting new people. I strike up conversations. I’ve become more outgoing!

Anyways, I just wanted to stress the importance of being good to yourself. Be your own best friend. Take care of yourself. Become comfortable with being alone.

Smile On & De-Stress

Although a lot of crappy things have happened to me in the past few weeks, I’ve been encouraged to keep smiling.

There is no point in acting miserable. Sure, you can feel like shit, but you can control the way you act and project yourself–and I don’t want to project myself like, well…shit. So the other day, I got my ass out of bed, did something with my hair and face, ate a delicious breakfast, and took on the day. I smiled the whole time. My mood was elevated more than it’s been in a LONG time! Honestly, even if I’m feeling awful, smiling does make me feel better, along with a lot of other things that I’d like to list in hopes you can find something you enjoy that makes you feel better, too ^.^

• Get ready for the day. If you’re a girl, maybe take some extra time to put on makeup or do your hair. I know it sounds shallow, but, (at least for me) it makes me feel 100 times better than when I throw on a frumpy sweater and wear my hair in a bun. If you don’t like makeup or doing your hair, maybe try to wear something new. If you’re a guy, take a shower, shave, anything that makes you feel good about how you look!
• Take a bath. Moreover, try to add Epsom salt and essential oils. Personally, I use essential oils for EVERY problem in my life. Whether it be an issue with my mood, or something physical, they always do the trick. Lavender is great for relaxing. Feel free to check out my website if you’re interested in them!
• If you don’t have essential oils or aren’t interested in buying them, you can buy Epsom salts already infused with lavender. I’ve bought them at Walmart before–the brand is Dr. Teal’s. Here’s the link! Click
• Drink an herbal tea. There are even specific ones out there designed to boost your mood! Even if it IS the placebo effect coming into play, at least you do feel better!
• Work out. It releases endorphins. Yeah, it takes great will power to muster up the motivation to go. But once you’re actually there, you’ll be glad you went.
• Write in a journal. Whether it be a blank one or one that proposes ideas, it’s a great way to organize your thoughts. And it’s fun! I personally love the 642 Things to Write About Me Journal. It gives you fun prompts and encourages you to write about things that have probably crossed your mind, but that you’ve never actually put down on paper! I got mine at Barnes & Noble, but you can buy it here on Amazon
• Bake something! It can take your mind off of stress.
• Make a list. It can be a to-do list, grocery list, whatever you want. It just helps to visualize what you need to do so you don’t feel so overwhelmed.
• Clean your room. This can also help relieve stress–plus it’s one less thing you’ll have to do later.
• Create a Pinterest account! It is such a fun website and can really give you some creative ideas on basically any topic you like.
• Go to a coffee shop. Personally, I like to go and just sit and browse the Internet. Sometimes all you need is a change of scenery to feel better.
• And lastly…
• Smile 🙂

Can I Walk Beside You?

Today at group therapy, the kiddos decided that they wanted to go for a walk outside since it wasn’t as cold as it normally is. One of the kids, John*, instantly gravitated toward me. I haven’t been working here for long, and the kids don’t know me as well as the other staff, so this was surprising to me. Anyways, John asked me as we were standing in line, “Can I walk beside you?” I told him of course! It was just so sweet the way he asked me to make sure I was okay with his company and presence. I mean, of course I would be, but these kids have been taught to ask nicely for things, ask for what they want/need, etc., so it was just so nice to witness him following through with what he’s been taught over the years.

As we were walking down to the track, John pulled something out of his pocket. It was a folded up piece of paper with “Shopkins” characters on it. I learned that these are basically little brightly colored cartoon characters, each with a different theme. Some are fruits and veggies, some are household items, some are desserts, etc. Anyways, John was telling me ALL about the Shopkins. He even knew how much he paid for the plush dolls and what the tax was on the total. $2.88 is how much they are before tax. Anyways, John’s passion for Shopkins was evident. He even told me I could hold his pamphlet and pick my favorite ones! After we were done at the track, John said, “maybe when we get back, you could sit beside me and we can talk more about the Shopkins?” I told him sure we could. It’s just so great to see John talking about something he likes, all the while using appropriate conversation skills. He was able to ask me questions, too, and this is a great step for a kiddo with ASD. John was genuinely interested in what I had to say. John has the most innocent and caring soul, and I just adore his entire demeanor.

I’m just so proud of my sweet kids. Even though I haven’t been with them for long, I can tell that they are wonderful advocates for themselves and I know all of them will live fulfilling and successful lives.

*names are changed to protect client’s privacy

 

Toxins & Other Negativities

I’ve been emotionally eating for the past week or so. It’s crazy how what you put into your body can affect your mood and your overall energy for the day. Compared to my normal diet, I’ve been feeling sluggish and just miserable in general. I haven’t wanted to get out of bed, clean my house, or do anything that involved moving of any sort. I’ve been eating like crap and just wallowing in my misery basically. It’s just a never ending cycle. I just really need to break this perpetual loop that I’ve been stuck in.

My body is filled with toxins. Not only from the bad food  and alcohol that I’ve been consuming, but also emotionally. I’ve been engaging in negative self talk, and just letting myself feel sad and lonely. I need to cleanse my body and soul and start fresh. I need to let go of the sadness I am holding onto regarding everything that’s happened in the past week. I cannot dwell. I have to move forward.

One of my favorite quotes:

“A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.”

I need to get out and experience the world! Even though this specific cycle of mine is recent, I go through this multiple times a month. I need to get my ass out of bed, drink a huge glass of water, and nourish my body and soul with all things positive. I am doing an extermination–abolishing all things negative and toxic in my life! Spring is upon us soon, anyways! Perfect time for a cleaning. I encourage you all to do the same!

If it doesn’t help you grow, let it go.

 

Funerals

I’ve been to a few of them in my lifetime. My grandfather on my mother’s side died when I was 15, and also his sister who preceded him in death a month earlier. My other great aunt died when I was 14 I believe. Either way, it’s been a good 8 years since I’ve been to a funeral. I remember not really feeling sad at the ones I attended in the past. I think I was too young for the capacity to understand what was actually going on.

This past Wednesday night at the viewing, my dad read me the letter that he had written for his father, and he could not make it to the end without sobbing. I told him that at the funeral, I would stand by his side and take over if he could not finish. I had never seen his face look so relieved.

When my dad and I stood up to go to the podium on the day of the funeral, I prepared myself for a difficult task: if he was not even able to make it through the first sentence, it was my duty to read this 9 page hand-written letter.

However, my dad made it to the end. He even made it through to the part that had been the catalyst to his tears the night before. I was so proud of him. But, then, he pulled out a poem he had written, and said the words, “I’m now going to ask Taylor to read a poem I’ve written”.

It was at this moment I realized the honor I had just been given. I was going to read these beautiful words aloud to my entire family, to comfort them in their time of need.

I read the poem loudly and slowly. My voice did not falter once. Pappy Goss deserved that.

I sat back down, and my aunt, who was seated beside me, reached over, grabbed my hand, and said, “You are so beautiful, Taylor. Thank you.”

My eyes welled up with tears. I was honored to have done this for my family, and for Pappy Goss.

I think I understand funerals a lot more now. Pappy Goss was relying on me to read for him with grace, poise, and confidence, honoring his legacy in our small town. My family soaked up the words and probably appreciated that they weren’t the ones having to do it, because they would have fallen apart. I’m glad I could serve them, and my grandfather, on his last day.

Rest in peace, Herbert.

 

Small Update

My ex boyfriend is now admitting his wrongs. And apologizing. That isn’t enough for me, though, because this kind of thing would happen all the time. And I know that I have to stand my ground. I can’t go back to the way I was treated. I just can’t.

Know your worth.