3 Weeks

I’ve thought about writing a post dozens of times in the past month and a half, but the real question is…did I have the desire?

Absolutely not.

I often present myself as this carefree, happy-go-lucky gal, however that is not the case.

Sometimes my thoughts–everything I want to write down–become exceedingly burdening, so I chose to hide them away for a little. Hide them from my friends, my family, and even myself. However, I’m ready to talk about them now.

It’s ironic, really, because my past couple posts were so positive and uplifting. But I realize I was only trying to convince myself that I was okay, when in reality, shit was going downhill at an accelerated speed.

I have never been suicidal. When I was a teenager, I recall having momentary thoughts about ending my life. But that was the most they had ever become. Just thoughts, floating around in my head.

However, a few weeks ago, my thoughts began turning into actual urges. I was thinking up methods, weighing the pros and cons…when I decided to take a positive step out of the darkness and contact a good friend and mentor of mine, Deanna.

Deanna is my coach and mentor for my essential oil business. Deanna has also proven herself to be an angel. I met with Deanna at a restaurant the day after I had been having urges. We talked about the oil business for a bit but then quickly delved into more deeper conversation. I never told her about the sudden compulsions I had been having to end my life, but I think she saw it clear that I was having difficulties. I mentioned the sadness I felt from not having any close friends, not having a boyfriend (stupid I know), from my parents divorcing, and also the sadness I felt when I looked in the mirror. I think she was able to gather up my pieces that I had brought forward and put the puzzle together, because she said the words that I have been saying over and over again to myself, but did not fully grasp until this moment:

“You gotta love yourself before anyone else loves you.”

Why hadn’t I just took this sentence and ran with it so many times before? I’ve heard it from dozens of people. I even told it to myself. So why now was I realizing its verity? I wish I knew. Maybe it took 23 years of my life for those neurons to finally fire. Either way, I ran with it that day.

So far I’ve been 3 weeks binge-eating free. So far I’ve been three weeks black-out drunk free. So far I’ve hung out with more people in 3 weeks than I had in a really long time. So far I’ve met people and haven’t felt like I needed to put on a show.

So far I’ve been 3 weeks suicidal-thoughts free.

This is the longest I’ve gone where all of the above statements remain consistently true. I want this to become a lifestyle, not just a positive-thinking phase. I’m tired of getting sucked back into the perpetual cycles that have been plaguing my life for so long–my binge eating+drinking cycle, my self loathing/then loving myself cycle, my “I’m independent”/”I need somebody” cycle. I need to stay out of this trap.

Please send your thoughts, prayers, and good vibes. I can do this.

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That is how long it’s been since someone has contacted me for something other than a favor. That is how long it’s been since anyone has asked me to hang out with the sole intention of simply hanging out and enjoying my company. It’s been 3 weeks since the last time I felt important to someone.

3 weeks of feeling unloved, insignificant, and alone.

However, since I assume this is going to continue, I plan on dedicating all my free time to someone extremely important in my life…me.

I hope to grow mentally, physically, and spiritually in this time of being alone and without close friends. Sure, I have acquaintances. Sure, I’ve texted these acquaintances to do something. But have they texted me to do something? Nah.

I miss my close friends. They’re all back home. I have no one here. I am no one here.